They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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