her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
