Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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