Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
