you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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