Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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