I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
This show inspires me to have sex in space
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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