my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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