if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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