I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..