Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
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It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
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Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance