The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.