last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.