he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You are the jesus of drinking
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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