Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize