It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
