Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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