She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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