i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
