....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
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I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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