Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
