didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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