The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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