I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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