Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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