this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
