Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
