I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
