You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
