R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
