Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Randomize
