I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
