If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
