dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Duck Duck Cougar?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
