What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
