sarcasm needs its own font
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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