I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
dude. I can hear the air.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
