I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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