Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
