If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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