There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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