What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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