dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
