i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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