My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
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He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
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The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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