I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
