he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
