my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
