and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
he high fived his dick after we had sex
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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