Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
