Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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