I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
