All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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