I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
