if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Don't tell me you're on acid again
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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