This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
